Thursday, July 12, 2001

just a quick one wasting time before the gym. i will do this i will do this blah, no i shouldn't blah i wanna go and i am gonna stick to it that's for sure.
i just saw matt, really what i wanted to write about. we are so the same, it is scary and he burns into me when he looks in my eyes as he does. too much! aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh

Monday, July 09, 2001

how naughty, doing this at work, oh well it's lunch time so who cares.
feeling good about writing again, feeling shit about my job cause i'm right here right now and my head is aching. i have been getting these crazy liver headaches because of work. usually when this happens i quit my job. and now i am wondering why it isn't so simple anymore. because i like money too much and my lifestyle and my flat and things of that nature. one wonders though, i bet i would like perth just as much even if i had no money and ended up waiting tables. i guess i am waiting to be retrenched and then i will be a victim of circumstance and it will be totally ok to fuck off to perth for a while. if not, my lease is up soon and that is also another way out. however that soon is like 10 weeks away, but then my gym membership will be up at the same time and then there will be no excuses. i feel i am truely at one of those junctions in life where i can see myself looking back at this time and quite possibly regret the decision to be so apathetic. i should go to perth. maybe just not quite yet. but soon. i wanna say i promise but i'm scared. i don't know if i'm more scared to throw caution to the wind or scared of regretting not throwing it anywhere. i think i wanna go. i'm 24 and behaving like what i do now will affect the rest of my life. is that such a bad thing anyway, if i don't do it i'll never know. it might affect in the most fabulous way and i'll wonder why it took me so long. fuck, i am too practical for my own good. i am changing though, i am learning to roll with the punches a lot more and i am over control.
soon my pretty.
holy shit, i haven't touched this thing for months! i thought i forgot how.
well i married the one mentioned below - bizarre! and yet strangely things are more complicated now than EVER. these things that i think i could get past are still there, and with a lot of resentment to boot. how fucked things are. and reading back they were fucked then, but did i sort it out or hold-off on the marriage thing? hell no, jumped right in knowing somewhere that i was a gonna drown and here i am months later, still treading water (some days barely) and still not a whole lot different. in many ways though, i have come far in an enormously long and horrid journey. and whose fault is that? matthew jackson come on down. this is a man, who at the time i barely knew, who looked at me across the table at the pub and saw so deep inside me that it was madness. i have let it all out in front of this man, who i feel closer to than anyone in my whole life and who became my obsession for a little while there. he has done the same and broke down so completely it scared the shit out of me (hate to think what it really did to him) and i thought we had almost past some point of no return somewhere inside his head. he is getting divorced soon, something that i helped him reached, that was not sexual at all. and now he is screwing a girl i cannot stand and i told him so today without meaning to. that's what happens with him, we talk and things spill out of me like never before. even while i was talking i was questioning my motivation as to why i was saying things that he probably didn't want (but needed) to hear. of course because i care about him and think that he has had his fair share of hurt for this decade, but also because i am insanely jealous of this wench who is taking up all his time. i don't want things to get messy for him, and the way he is headed they will so i am trying to pull the reigns on something that is none of my business and nothing to do with me, as much as i would like it to. i think i need to state at this point that i adore him when he is inebriated in some way as he does not hold back and that makes me feel good. i think there is mutual attraction there, but sometimes i doubt it and it is only with him that i cannot read the situation, unlike the entire rest of my life. this maddens me beyond belief but makes him the most special person that i have ever come across. the situation i find myself in with this man is total madness and often out of control.
i go to the gym now, and this time i am detemined to stick at it. i have set realistic goals that can be and will be achieved. and i hate my fucking job but am too scared to do anything about it, so therefore have no right to harp on about it.
i feel that all the things i thought i wanted are slowly becoming irrelevant and i am walking around with the constant feeling of wasting me time/life/mind. i have not thought of having babies for a long time, a strange thing for me, and it took getting married to realise that i am not happy and this is not the life that i want. i have impeccable timing with these things.

Wednesday, January 24, 2001

well the choice has been made for now, put and deal, and he promises things will get better. heard it before i know, and has it changed - no, i'm hoping so this time.
i'm not the only one crazy at the moment, so is mushy, the weather, the planets and menstruation are making is fucked in the head.
i told paige on monday i can't be bothered with her and i feel ok about that. she will no doubt take it to an immature level and i don't care about that either.
i think subconciously i am trying to simplify my life, spring clean it if you will! (fuck it is hard to write this and chat at the same time). even with my work, i have succumbed to being slightly slack, and i feel weirder about this than not being paige's friend. priorities?
i am quite numb after all the tears last night. as soon as i cried and said it all my sore throat went away.
i think i hurt my dad's feelings yesterday by being rude about him nagging me and i am kinda guilty but kinda not. i have very mixed up feelings about him now, but at least the anger is gone (almost) and i can be ambivalent about himn now. it is a weird feeling accepting that you don't have a dad anymore, but liberating too. he has no bearing on me anymore and he knows that too. his money can be shoved right up his arse cause that's all he had left to control me with, and i don't want it. he is the source however of some of my relationship problems as i will NOT be treated in similar ways ever again.

Monday, January 22, 2001

i have in the last 24 gone completely crazy and made decisions that could effect my life forever and still here i am doing the same thing. bizarre.
i had to confront someone who wants to end a relationship because of me even though he denies it, and i could only put him straight so far because of this denial. this is not my ego talking, i was told to do this by a friend who knows.
i had my soon (?) to be husband tell me that my weight is sometimes the reason he doesn't want to sleep with me which made me feel utter shit and i preceded to not say a single word to him for many hours. then i tried to kick him out this morning and he cracked it - anger being about the only emotion he is quite adept at expressing. then he cried and asked me not to make him leave and i really wanted him to. and then i felt bad and said he could stay. he has shown me in the last few months sides to him that scare, humiliate and piss me off and i am wondering how and if i can get past them, and whether it is enough to put up with the bad in order to experience the good.

Saturday, January 20, 2001

first one, here goes. i gues i am hoping that by writing this instead of my book (ha ha) that i will in effect be writing my book, or at least making a start by finding some motivation to write again, and convince myself that someone would like to read what i want to write about and think it's as funny/entertaining/interesting as i do.

i find it interesting how much a day can suck and be good all within a matter of hours, and that you can have someone bring you so much joy and then someone else piss you off so much. i have realised that many of my "friends" are not that at all and they just happen to be people i have known for a long time, which in effect makes me not want to be around them, because i know just what they are like and when they are talking through their arses. i should resolve to not give these people the time of day anymore, but it is easier to pretend that i like them than have to be otherwise. i am too malicious to not be able to be friends with someone anymore because my forked tongue always gets the better of me, and i am too weak to cut my ties completely in case there are regrets there later. that is why it is easier to coast along and pretend. i am pathetic and lazy and weak.