Wednesday, January 24, 2001

well the choice has been made for now, put and deal, and he promises things will get better. heard it before i know, and has it changed - no, i'm hoping so this time.
i'm not the only one crazy at the moment, so is mushy, the weather, the planets and menstruation are making is fucked in the head.
i told paige on monday i can't be bothered with her and i feel ok about that. she will no doubt take it to an immature level and i don't care about that either.
i think subconciously i am trying to simplify my life, spring clean it if you will! (fuck it is hard to write this and chat at the same time). even with my work, i have succumbed to being slightly slack, and i feel weirder about this than not being paige's friend. priorities?
i am quite numb after all the tears last night. as soon as i cried and said it all my sore throat went away.
i think i hurt my dad's feelings yesterday by being rude about him nagging me and i am kinda guilty but kinda not. i have very mixed up feelings about him now, but at least the anger is gone (almost) and i can be ambivalent about himn now. it is a weird feeling accepting that you don't have a dad anymore, but liberating too. he has no bearing on me anymore and he knows that too. his money can be shoved right up his arse cause that's all he had left to control me with, and i don't want it. he is the source however of some of my relationship problems as i will NOT be treated in similar ways ever again.

Monday, January 22, 2001

i have in the last 24 gone completely crazy and made decisions that could effect my life forever and still here i am doing the same thing. bizarre.
i had to confront someone who wants to end a relationship because of me even though he denies it, and i could only put him straight so far because of this denial. this is not my ego talking, i was told to do this by a friend who knows.
i had my soon (?) to be husband tell me that my weight is sometimes the reason he doesn't want to sleep with me which made me feel utter shit and i preceded to not say a single word to him for many hours. then i tried to kick him out this morning and he cracked it - anger being about the only emotion he is quite adept at expressing. then he cried and asked me not to make him leave and i really wanted him to. and then i felt bad and said he could stay. he has shown me in the last few months sides to him that scare, humiliate and piss me off and i am wondering how and if i can get past them, and whether it is enough to put up with the bad in order to experience the good.